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Hm... Mandatory end-of-year post.

As some of you know, I do my end-of-year on Halloween. Still, New Years' matters. I think I've managed to work myself out of resolution. I hope so.

I've always had this fault of over-applying. If something's worth doing at all, it's worth doing whole-hog and 24 x 7. Whatever it was (reading, gaming, marijuana, poetry, sex, information gathering, work, tobacco, booze) it was worth doing all the time. On the whole, I work into addictions quickly, and also drop them just as quickly. When I stopped smoking it was not even an overnight thing. It was like "7:43. No more smoking." It was sometime in November of 1999, I think.

I absolutely detest it when people list their vices and how they conquered them. There's something false to it, as if reward points should be earned from life experiences that you largely manufactured for yourself. You have life. That's what you get. Don't expect an award.

But I did experiment over the past three months with alcohol. I had a bad dip, a serious depression around the beginning of October, and since I'd been drinking more than usual, I assumed I was getting older and less able to handle the booze, and something was happening chemically. On days after heavy drinking, the next morning sog was becoming crippling. I was getting bigger and weirder mood swings. I was tired all the time. In the gym, I was pouring with sweat. So where I've always had somewhat old-world relationship to alcohol (every day with at least one meal, often two, and then a couple at night), I dropped drinking for a while.

No miraculous change, it turned out. But I definitely DID need a detox. Since our 20th anniversary, I've gone back to drinking regularly, closer to the 2-3 limit for someone my size and age, and skipping days. I've got more energy and haven't had any serious bouts of mania or depression. But I'm also not dreaming as much, and my creative output has dwindled seriously. I'm hoping it's more quality than quantity, though.

But looking back since 2003, when our lives were changing because of ailing parents and new perspectives, I'm finding this is a pattern that's emerging. I don't need to do anything all of the time anymore. I don't need to work 12 hours a day or know exactly what's happening in Damascus, or make the perfect dinner, or go through a pack of Sobranies or drink the whole bottle of wine. Epicurus and Gautama are more attractive guides at this stage in life.

So no resolutions for me. No more resolutions, please.